Thursday, February 14, 2008

The First Cane Toad In Adelaide- Brought To You By Halliburton

The first cane toad has arrived in Adelaide. It came, it would seem, down from the tropics on Dick Cheney's Adelaide-Darwin railway, hopped out at the main railway marshalling yard, and into the mosquito misted wetlands that adjoin the Kinhill (yep, Kinnaird's forerunner to HAL Australia) developed defence technology suburb of Mawson Lakes. and turned up in a back yard on Tuesday.

Take your omens where you find them, I always say.

Thanks a lot, Halliburton.

An extra thought. best to keep an eye on components going to Woomera. Now that Foley has signed the contracts to launch the US's new military communications satelites..... Cane Toads In Scpace? What if they manage to hop on to a passing exploration probe? The new dominant lifeform of the galaxy? Aaargh!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Les Mots de Alexander Downer

J'avais finirai, il y a un minute, le joie qu'on trouve dedans le piece par Mlle Helen Razer sur Nouvelle Mathilde, en lisant les mots en francais qui avait ete parle demain par M. Alexandre Downeur, et maintenant je n'ai pas besoin de croir que mon francais est horrible. C'est vra que c'est horrible, mais jamais assez mauvais comme celui la parlait par notre envoi.

[The Google autotranslation of this post can be found here]

Downeur, il me semble, se croit comme il peut parler le francais comme Kevine Rurd parle le langue chinoise. Tant pis. Ca ne va jamais etre.

Ici on trouve les mots que Helen croit que vous disez:
C’est vrai que je parle français. Mais, alors je suis le ministre des affaires étranger d’Australie. Il y a faux pas en anglais si vous êtes Australien.
Voulez vous, Alexandre, me le traduire entre Anglais? Le voici:

It's true I speak French. But, then, I'm the Foreign Minister of Australia. There are fuck-ups in English if you're an Aussie.

Pardon? Vous me direz que vous preferez a parle en francais parce que il y de moins des chances a fair un fax pas? En passant, un question: Quand vous disez aux Americains que l'Australie veulait les aider en Iraq, croyez-vous que (avec votre mauvais anglais a la mode Australien) que vous avez demande le soup du jour du Maison Blanc?

Votre Francais est merde. Votre Anglias est merde. Dites-moi un plusier fois- qu'est-ce que c'est que vous avez pour un metier?

Pardonnez-moi. Je n'avais pas ecrit assez beaucoup des mots en francais pour le dernier vingt-cinq ans. Mais, alors, je n'avais jamais le pouvoir a commencer une guerre.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

How To Help In A Dirty Bomb Drill

Time magazine has just released a piece suggesting that the dirty-bomb exercise being conducted this weekend will be lacking because of the absence of media and public. The US Portland Mercury (sounds like they've been infiltrated by The Chaser) has some suggestions:

While there will undoubtedly be plenty of over-emotive community theater actors on hand, moaning about their fake radioactive burns... that's exactly what our local officials are expecting. Therefore it's up to YOU to diverge from the script—even if you weren't invited to participate—and give our high-caliber public servants the test they deserve. Naturally, the Mercury has a few suggestions for your role (of a lifetime!) in TOPOFF 4....


The location of this test/attack will be at the Portland International Raceway—so besides having your suit cleaned and ready to go, it will help if you have a Batmobile. Having the Batman on the scene of any disaster always elicits a "calming effect" on the populace as well as the police. Plus, you may be needed to swing down on your Batrope to rescue a small child from being crushed by a falling girder. Don't bring along Robin—he makes you look gay.


It's a proven fact that criminals often revisit the scene of their crime. Why would terrorists be any different? Put on a turban and a fake long beard. Show up at Ground Zero, laugh maniacally, rub your hands together, and say in a screechy Arabic voice, "BOOYAH! In your face, despicable American bitches! Did you like my 'dirty bomb'? Well, I got another one underneath my burqa, and this one's even FILTHIER!" This is a great way to test the physical fitness of our police department as you lead them on a merry chase through a radioactive wasteland of blood and gore.


Put on a scientist outfit, and when you see Mayor Tom Potter surveying Ground Zero, run up to the crowd and loudly proclaim him to be a robot from the future—sent back in time to declare martial law and pave the way for his robot brethren to enslave mankind. Best case scenario: Everyone will be so shell-shocked by the disaster, they'll take a scientist's word as law, and start disassembling Potter on the spot. Worst case scenario: Potter sleeps through the exercise.


Yes, there is! And that doctor is YOU! Look, no one has to know you barely finished high school, and have spent the last year and a half playing World of Warcraft in your grandma's basement. If there are people acting like nuke victims, then it's perfectly fine for YOU to act like a doctor. However! If you want to really separate yourself from the EMTs crowding the radioactive landscape, you'll need a gimmick. Walk around with a comically big syringe that has "DIRTY BOMB ANTIDOTE" printed on its side. (What's that? Oh... sure, I guess you can be a gynecologist.)


True, Batman's already made the scene—but when it comes to rescuing the victims of a terrorist attack... the more the merrier, right? You'll need a few friends for this one: Each of you will dress up as an action hero who has shown a previous knack for helping out in situations just like this: 24's Jack Bauer, Die Hard's John McClane, any character played by that pony-tailed idiot Steven Seagal, the Terminator (who can fight robotic Mayor Potter), Blade (you need a black vampire), and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Naturally, there will be more heroic helpers than victims, which will force these action stars into a no-holds barred battle royale! I don't know about you, but I think cops need to be tested to see if they can break up a fight like that.


Think of it this way: If the terrorists are crazy enough to fake dirty bomb Portland, Phoenix, and Guam, the rest of the world can't be far behind. That means we are on the verge of a very fake human population crisis. Men of Portland: Do your part. Show up at the site of the attack, and offer to impregnate any woman whose ovaries haven't been turned into the equivalent of microwaved Kentucky Fried Chicken Bits. (Note to gals: Just like in the rest of this exercise—and my bedroom—you can pretend to enjoy it.)

Sunday, August 26, 2007

A Ballad For APEC

The devil wore a crucifix
his preacher drove a Porsche
and together they rode the world
to plunder and debauch.
The blood red moon in Sydney's sky,
one day they'll write it down
as the worst of bad moons rising
as the king put on his crown.

The message spread across the land
of what was yet to come
as congregations gathered
to march to Freedon's Drum
The king's best town criers
called us rotten to the core
And the minstrel roamed the cities
cursing the Masters of War

Last night I had the strangest dream
of sickness in the sky
It was put there by the king
to stop us asking why.
Be conquererd or be slaughtered
was the message that he spread
Surrendering your liberty
is better than being dead.

In shock from what they saw, the people
did as they were told
And as they gazed into the sky
the king took all their gold
He said that he'd protect us
and fled across the sea,
and left us here to wonder why,
in chains of misery.

Thanks, Fiona Reynolds, for the inspiration

Dubya's Daughter's Wedding

David Letterman: Here is some great news: One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. How about that. ... It's going to be an expensive wedding. And I guess this is no surprise, the $3 billion contract has gone to Halliburton.

Boom Boom!!!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Wild Rover

I've been a wild Rover for many a year
and I've spent all my money on Halliburton shares.
but now I've resigned, I'm running out the door
and I never will play the wild rover no more.

I went to the WhiteHouse I used to frequent,
and I told George and Cheney their money was spent.
They asked me for credit, I answered them "nay,
the IMF gave you all that yesterday."

I'll go home to PNAC, confess what I've done,
and collect my commission, gold bullion, lump sum.
I'll get myself ready for the Third World War,
and I never will play the wild rover no more.

Monday, July 02, 2007

A "Psychic's" View Of 2007

Finding this a second time, I couldn't resist posting it here:

Astrological shots in the dark, by Phil O'Blarney.

Just because I'm psychic doesn't mean I can see into the future, otherwise I would've bought and sold thousands of shares of Microsoft by now. My evil twin however has a crystal ball that he swears works pretty well, so I'll let him indulge in predictions for the new year, although I think he's been looking at some other solar system.

1. Bush will not be President by the end of the year. Of course, he never has been.

2. The Moslem equivalent of Martin Luther will nail 95 Theses to the door of a bombed-out mosque in Baghdad. He or she will be shot on sight, but will be revered in martyrdom, and these revolutionary ideas will lead to an Islamic Reformation in about 250 years.

3. Hilary Clinton will have an affair with Barak Obama, and they will spawn a love child named Tito who will eventually grow up to become King of the United States of North America.

4. Internet videos will surface showing a sex tape involving Jerry Falwell, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, Vice President Dick Cheney, and a recently sacrificed goat named Chelsea. Cheney responds by shooting Chris Matthews in the face with bird-shot and screaming that he hasn't been able to have sex since he found out that his daughter was Lebanese.

5. A Democratic contender for the White House will be seen as the clear front-runner for the 2008 election. Liberal Democrats from Massachusetts need not get their hopes up.

6. An Evangelical TV preacher will be caught having sex with an alien space monkey while free-basing shredded $20 bills.

7. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will get much worse before they get any better, and a Peace movement will build in the US. My little buddy Mister Whiskers typed that one.

8. Fidel Castro will make the ultimate transition, and Cuba will be renamed Miami Island.

9. A scientist from Bob Jones University will announce his theory that black holes are created by gay penguins living in San Francisco.

10. It will be revealed that the 2000 US elections were rigged in Florida, and Al Gore should have become President after all. A laughing Gore responds to the news by saying that he made the whole global warming thing up.

11. There will be earthquakes and floods. This obligatory prediction fulfills a law that astrologers have taken an oath to uphold.

12. The Ford Motor Company will unveil a new SUV called the Land Barge to fill the void left by the discontinuance of the largest Hummer. The marketing campaign will target short, fat, rich Republicans with small penises.

13. The US dollar falls to 90% below it's value of just ten years ago. The Federal Reserve Bank asks the Republic of Ghana for loans.

14. Al Qaeda terrorists send a suicide bomber to blow up the Skull and Bones temple at Yale. The specters of Bob Hope and Doris Day arise from the smoke and ashes to sing a duet of "On the Good Ship Lollypop."

15. Michael Jackson will record a new CD entitled "I'm Not Sure, But I Might Not Be Normal."

16. Hurricane Zsa Zsa will devastate Rehoboth Beach Delaware, Fire Island New York, and Provincetown Massachusetts. FEMA rushes to build a fence along the Mexican border.

17. A scientifically conducted poll at year's end reveals that individuals who practice alternative spirituality now outnumber those who call themselves Evangelicals. Pat Robertson, Supreme Commander of the Flat Earth Society, responds by saying that gay penguins from San Francisco living under his bed are the result of satanic influences that now control scientists brains, and that all future polling should be conducted by using Diebold touch-screen voting machines.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Tricking The Set Top Box

Brompton, where I've lived for ten years, has always been a bit dodgy for telly reception. I was given an Ultravision box, and was grateful enough that the thing gave me my first clear ABC in a decade. However, Aunty and Channel 10 were all I could get.

Played around with the Program Guide button tonight. The unit came to me without a manual and in dire need of a lot of gaffer tape, so I hadn't gotten around to finding it yet.

Flicking through, I found that pictures from most of the stations came up in a little box above the schedules when you clicked on the station's program guide.

Once you've got a picture, hit Exit. Voila. Brilliant reception on everything except SBS. No worries. I get that brilliantly anyway.

My only question is, why do I have to trick the bloody thing into doing its job? It reminds me of a Liberal Cabinet.