The Diary Of An English Visitor

This was sent to me today, and I couldn't resist.

An Alice Springs Summer - By A 'Pom'....

August 31st

Just got transferred with work into our new home in Alice Springs!!

Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a

deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home.

I love it here.

September 13th:

Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to

see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.

Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But

getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.

Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant fuckin blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman

charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:

It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity

makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid fuckin place.

November 8th:

If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to fuckin throttle him. Fuckin heat! By the time I get to work the car's

radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin fuckin wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:

Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the

black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my fuckin arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:

The weather report might as well be a fuckin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and fuckin sunny. It's been too hot to do

anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the fuckin pool. Even the palms can't live in this fuckin heat.

November 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said,

"Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the stupid

fucker. Fuck Alice Springs! What kind of a sick demented fuckin idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:

WHAT????? This is only the first day of Summer????!!!!