How To Help In A Dirty Bomb Drill

Time magazine has just released a piece suggesting that the dirty-bomb exercise being conducted this weekend will be lacking because of the absence of media and public. The US Portland Mercury (sounds like they've been infiltrated by The Chaser) has some suggestions:

While there will undoubtedly be plenty of over-emotive community theater actors on hand, moaning about their fake radioactive burns... that's exactly what our local officials are expecting. Therefore it's up to YOU to diverge from the script—even if you weren't invited to participate—and give our high-caliber public servants the test they deserve. Naturally, the Mercury has a few suggestions for your role (of a lifetime!) in TOPOFF 4....

DRESS UP LIKE BATMAN

The location of this test/attack will be at the Portland International Raceway—so besides having your suit cleaned and ready to go, it will help if you have a Batmobile. Having the Batman on the scene of any disaster always elicits a "calming effect" on the populace as well as the police. Plus, you may be needed to swing down on your Batrope to rescue a small child from being crushed by a falling girder. Don't bring along Robin—he makes you look gay.

DRESS UP LIKE A TERRORIST

It's a proven fact that criminals often revisit the scene of their crime. Why would terrorists be any different? Put on a turban and a fake long beard. Show up at Ground Zero, laugh maniacally, rub your hands together, and say in a screechy Arabic voice, "BOOYAH! In your face, despicable American bitches! Did you like my 'dirty bomb'? Well, I got another one underneath my burqa, and this one's even FILTHIER!" This is a great way to test the physical fitness of our police department as you lead them on a merry chase through a radioactive wasteland of blood and gore.

THE MAYOR'S ACTUALLY A ROBOT

Put on a scientist outfit, and when you see Mayor Tom Potter surveying Ground Zero, run up to the crowd and loudly proclaim him to be a robot from the future—sent back in time to declare martial law and pave the way for his robot brethren to enslave mankind. Best case scenario: Everyone will be so shell-shocked by the disaster, they'll take a scientist's word as law, and start disassembling Potter on the spot. Worst case scenario: Potter sleeps through the exercise.

IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?

Yes, there is! And that doctor is YOU! Look, no one has to know you barely finished high school, and have spent the last year and a half playing World of Warcraft in your grandma's basement. If there are people acting like nuke victims, then it's perfectly fine for YOU to act like a doctor. However! If you want to really separate yourself from the EMTs crowding the radioactive landscape, you'll need a gimmick. Walk around with a comically big syringe that has "DIRTY BOMB ANTIDOTE" printed on its side. (What's that? Oh... sure, I guess you can be a gynecologist.)

THE LAST ACTION HERO

True, Batman's already made the scene—but when it comes to rescuing the victims of a terrorist attack... the more the merrier, right? You'll need a few friends for this one: Each of you will dress up as an action hero who has shown a previous knack for helping out in situations just like this: 24's Jack Bauer, Die Hard's John McClane, any character played by that pony-tailed idiot Steven Seagal, the Terminator (who can fight robotic Mayor Potter), Blade (you need a black vampire), and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Naturally, there will be more heroic helpers than victims, which will force these action stars into a no-holds barred battle royale! I don't know about you, but I think cops need to be tested to see if they can break up a fight like that.

REPOPULATE THE EARTH

Think of it this way: If the terrorists are crazy enough to fake dirty bomb Portland, Phoenix, and Guam, the rest of the world can't be far behind. That means we are on the verge of a very fake human population crisis. Men of Portland: Do your part. Show up at the site of the attack, and offer to impregnate any woman whose ovaries haven't been turned into the equivalent of microwaved Kentucky Fried Chicken Bits. (Note to gals: Just like in the rest of this exercise—and my bedroom—you can pretend to enjoy it.)