Monday, July 02, 2007

A "Psychic's" View Of 2007

Finding this a second time, I couldn't resist posting it here:

Astrological shots in the dark, by Phil O'Blarney.

Just because I'm psychic doesn't mean I can see into the future, otherwise I would've bought and sold thousands of shares of Microsoft by now. My evil twin however has a crystal ball that he swears works pretty well, so I'll let him indulge in predictions for the new year, although I think he's been looking at some other solar system.

1. Bush will not be President by the end of the year. Of course, he never has been.

2. The Moslem equivalent of Martin Luther will nail 95 Theses to the door of a bombed-out mosque in Baghdad. He or she will be shot on sight, but will be revered in martyrdom, and these revolutionary ideas will lead to an Islamic Reformation in about 250 years.

3. Hilary Clinton will have an affair with Barak Obama, and they will spawn a love child named Tito who will eventually grow up to become King of the United States of North America.

4. Internet videos will surface showing a sex tape involving Jerry Falwell, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, Vice President Dick Cheney, and a recently sacrificed goat named Chelsea. Cheney responds by shooting Chris Matthews in the face with bird-shot and screaming that he hasn't been able to have sex since he found out that his daughter was Lebanese.

5. A Democratic contender for the White House will be seen as the clear front-runner for the 2008 election. Liberal Democrats from Massachusetts need not get their hopes up.

6. An Evangelical TV preacher will be caught having sex with an alien space monkey while free-basing shredded $20 bills.

7. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will get much worse before they get any better, and a Peace movement will build in the US. My little buddy Mister Whiskers typed that one.

8. Fidel Castro will make the ultimate transition, and Cuba will be renamed Miami Island.

9. A scientist from Bob Jones University will announce his theory that black holes are created by gay penguins living in San Francisco.

10. It will be revealed that the 2000 US elections were rigged in Florida, and Al Gore should have become President after all. A laughing Gore responds to the news by saying that he made the whole global warming thing up.

11. There will be earthquakes and floods. This obligatory prediction fulfills a law that astrologers have taken an oath to uphold.

12. The Ford Motor Company will unveil a new SUV called the Land Barge to fill the void left by the discontinuance of the largest Hummer. The marketing campaign will target short, fat, rich Republicans with small penises.

13. The US dollar falls to 90% below it's value of just ten years ago. The Federal Reserve Bank asks the Republic of Ghana for loans.

14. Al Qaeda terrorists send a suicide bomber to blow up the Skull and Bones temple at Yale. The specters of Bob Hope and Doris Day arise from the smoke and ashes to sing a duet of "On the Good Ship Lollypop."

15. Michael Jackson will record a new CD entitled "I'm Not Sure, But I Might Not Be Normal."

16. Hurricane Zsa Zsa will devastate Rehoboth Beach Delaware, Fire Island New York, and Provincetown Massachusetts. FEMA rushes to build a fence along the Mexican border.

17. A scientifically conducted poll at year's end reveals that individuals who practice alternative spirituality now outnumber those who call themselves Evangelicals. Pat Robertson, Supreme Commander of the Flat Earth Society, responds by saying that gay penguins from San Francisco living under his bed are the result of satanic influences that now control scientists brains, and that all future polling should be conducted by using Diebold touch-screen voting machines.